


Of Iron Stars and Men-of-War: Sideroads

by Lost_to_the_Night



Series: Star(k) Wars [2]
Category: Iron Man (Movies), Star Wars - All Media Types, The Avengers (Marvel) - All Media Types
Genre: AU of an AU, BAMF FRIDAY, BAMF Jarvis (Iron Man movies), BAMF Tony Stark, Crack Treated Seriously, Fix-It, Jarvis (Iron Man movies) Lives, Post-Captain America: Civil War (Movie)
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2018-01-01
Updated: 2018-01-01
Packaged: 2019-02-11 01:10:26
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,950
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12924105
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Lost_to_the_Night/pseuds/Lost_to_the_Night
Summary: From redeemed supervillain overlords and moonwalking Separatist drones, Tony takes the Star Wars Universe by storm.Deleted scenes or chapters, and ideas that never quite got off the ground, mostly because they're too outlandish for even me or because they don't fit the tone of the main story. Each chapter is a 'crack' one-shot and are separate from the other chapters.





	Of Iron Stars and Men-of-War: Sideroads

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> After being tossed through a portal to someplace-or-the-other, Tony meets a very odd kid. No, it's not Gis.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This was to be the original first chapter (not to be mistaken with prologue) of OISAMOW or whatever it gets shortened to.
> 
> The first part of this chapter is basically the real story with very few modifications, so skip the italics if you wanna avoid that. I made the parts with the biggest difference in the beginning (italics part) normal-font too.
> 
> Happy new year! This should not affect the posting of the main story. Still will update on Tuesday.

_Tony stirred. His head felt terrible. Of all times to get drunk! Seriously, what did he_  drink _?_ _He opened his eyes, but the world wouldn't focus. His surrounding were in shades of brown, gray, brick-red, and green and the sky was dark._

_"How many shots did I take?" Tony groaned, straining turn on his back to sit up. To his surprise, his arms gave out underneath him and he slammed back onto the gravel._

_Tony paused. This wasn't usual for a hangover. Actually, this whole thing didn't make sense._

_He'd been more... moderate... in his drinking ever since that one last drink after the 'Civil War' fiasco, where he decided that the Ex-vengers had no more power over him, that he wouldn't fulfill their expectations of him just to make them feel better. With that resolution, Tony had felt more like himself than he had for years. This wasn't the man that had let himself be dangled by the throat. This wasn't the man that had taken all the blame for Sokovia without protest. This wasn't the man that scrambled after the Ex-vengers like a puppy looking for praise, gratefully cleaning up their mess._

_This was the man who built a marvel of technology out of scraps, in a cave, surrounded by terrorists. This was the man who stood in front of the Senate, ready to defend himself and his. This was the man who held half the world in his hands._

_This was Tony F***ing Stark._

_..._

_Of course, he would have to be Tony F-ing Stark after he figured out what happened._

_For one, he was certain he had a concussion. Tony was usually the life of the party, but he wasn't dramatic in his own head, so therefore it must be a concussion. Now that he diagnosed his head - Tony was nothing without his mind - , he thought it safe to check his body. Tony had never been squeamish, but he was worried about the fact that he didn't feel anything, not even when he hit the ground. He rolled onto his back and craned his head. There was blood all over him._

_"Huh, that would do it," he mused. "Should I call for help? I should call for help."_

_Except for the fact that he was suit-less and helpless. With the luck he was having lately, he'd call down a group of gangsters and muggers who'd capture him and ask for a huge sum of money. He and Stark Industries had an understanding - no caving into demands for ransoms. The... wait, why was he thinking about this again? Tony peered at his again._

_Tony could feel the deep ache that indicated the recent healing of broken bones, but it seemed that his modified Extermis serum had given out before completely finishing. His arms were scratched up, torn and bleeding. His right hand was completely red. His torso was less beat-up, but still rather painful-looking. He lifted the collar of his shirt. Yep, as he thought - bruised up._

_A liquid dripped into his left eye and Tony wiped it off with the sleeve of his T-shirt. More blood._

_Tony let his head hit the ground again. "I'd say 'how could this get any worse,' but I know the universe is out to get me and all that, so I better not tempt it. Or her. The universe is a she, isn't it? And she's out to get me because I left her hanging. I didn't even know that we were dating." Tony thought about that for another second. "Stupid concussion," he decided._

_Painstakingly, Tony eased himself to a sitting position, alternatingly looking at the end of the alley and at the wall in front of him. He blinked routinely. Slowly, the world came into focus, both in his mind and in his eyes._

He was in a fairly nice alley. It was pretty run-down, but it had a quaint, small-town feel to it. There was clean, fresh air. Just a few meters to his left, Tony could see some kind of strange plant. The fruit it held looked edible, but Tony wasn't taking chances. The buildings on either side of the alley traveled a fair height above him. Past the exit of the alley, he could see another, moderately-high building, and beyond that, a few, short skyscrapers. It wasn't a place he recognized. He usually just stuck to big cities. 

_"S***, Wanda, what did you do now?" Tony asked aloud, slapping his face with his hand in exasperation, forgetting that it was covered in blood._

_*CLANG!*_

_...Apparently, the red on his right hand was, in fact, notblood. Tony hissed out several curses in Italian, glaring at his gauntlet._

_His gauntlet._

_"Friday? Friday!" Tony grasped the gauntlet like it was salvation, and in a way, it was. "Friday, are you there? Friday?" The gauntlet slowly hummed to life, each moment raising his hopes._

_"-oss? Boss!" FRIDAY's frantic, static-filled voice was a balm to his shattered nerves._

_"It's okay, I'm here," Tony reassured._

_"Boss. Boss!"_

_"Friday?" A frown crossed his face. "I'm fine."_

_"Boss! Boss? Boss! Boss!" FRIDAY repeated in various tones and pitches, obviously trying to convey something._

_Nevermind what he said about this being a balm. This was worse than being tossed into another portal. This was worse than Afghanistan. In fact, this was almost on par with JAVRIS's death. What the heck did Wanda do to his baby girl? "Friday? Baby girl? You okay?"_

_"Boss, boss!" If anything, FRIDAY seemed to go into panic. "Boss-boss-boss! Boss!"_

_"Baby girl, it's okay. I'm here. Is that the only thing you can say? Can you try to say anything else? Can you hear me? One 'boss' for yes, two for no."_

_"...Boss," FRIDAY's voice quavered between static bursts._

_"Okay, we can fix this," Tony assured her. "Call Pepper. No, wait. Send a suit over."_

_"Boss-boss."_

_"...No? Are we out of range? Wait, that doesn't make sense. The suit can fly anywhere. Are we... in North Korea? I mean, I know they have a shoot-on-sight order, but... still," Tony mused._

_"Boss-boss," FRIDAY repeated._

_Tony stared. "Okay, then. I guess we go find a phone and I repair you while Pepper sends a jet and negotiates with the government whose country I landed in?" He thought for a moment. "Eat a bunch for unhealthy foods to  get Extermis going too, I guess."_

_"Boss-boss," FRIDAY said urgently._

_"It'll be okay," Tony said, patting the gauntlet. He fiddled with a hidden compartment and removed a tiny, special packet from a hidden compartment. Ripping it open with his teeth, Tony held his breath and chewed quickly before swallowing the crushed pill in hopes of not tasting it. It didn't work. Tony's "Homemade Diabetes Pill" was a bane to his taste buds and throat as it traveled down. "Guhhh, that was disgusting!"_

_"Boss, boss-boss-boss," FRIDAY deadpanned. "Boss, boss?" she said questioningly. Tony considered her tone and looked at the gashes on his arms, which were slowly healing._

_"Sure, baby girl, I'm all right. Just need another minute or two" Tony said fondly. "Let's get outta here."_

_"Bossssss," FRIDAY whined._

_Tony stood up, staggering against the wall once more when his legs suddenly strengthened. "This reminds me of that time I drank three Red Bulls. Does this remind you of that time? No?" Tony babbled, hoping for some sense of normalcy. FRIDAY remained quiet, though whether it was because she was indulging him or because she was self-conscious of her recent bout of inarticulacy, he did not know. He hoped it was the former, but feared it was the latter. His young creation had reached another sudden growth in self-awareness, and it was making her second-guess herself whenever she had an idle server. His little girl deserved better than that._

_When JARVIS reached that stage, he had the knowledge that he was the one-and-only, decades upon decades ahead of his time. FRIDAY knew she was a replacement for JARVIS. She wasn't the only AI, either. With JOCASTA online, VERONICA in orbit, and 'Karen' with Peter, Tony could see how it could hit her self-confidence ~~, in fact, he had felt it himself when Steve took that Ant-guy as a replacement for Iron Man~~. It looked a lot like he didn't trust her to keep him safe alone. _

_Tony wanted to help her, but he didn't know how to tell his baby girl. He was busy thinking of plans to do so as he turned around the corner and onto the main street. As such, it could be excused that he didn't realize that more than half of the people who were walking down the street weren't exactly human. Having been to many non-English speaking countries with only a translator or translating device or two for help, it could also be excused that he didn't realize the language spoken wasn't English or any language recognizable on Earth._

_It was only when FRIDAY discreetly buzzed against his skin that Tony stopped and suddenly saw his surroundings._

_"Huh," Tony said with more calm than the situation warranted, examining a reptilian humanoid climbing off a floating vehicle. "Toto, I have a feeling we're not in Kansas anymore."_

_-I am Iron Man-_

_After his realization, the scientific portion of his brain kicked in with a vengeance. The humans, or what looked to be humans, seemed to be rather at ease with the aliens, just shuffling past then. Humans and aliens alike were absorbed in their own problems, so no differences there. The technology was really something else, though._

_Tony greedily eyed the flying vehicles far above, following a road only they could see. His fingers twitched, dying to take apart one of them to see how it worked. Already, plans and semantics were listing themselves in his mind, more ideas adding or removing from the list with every observation. He could already see which component was the power cell. It had repulsor technology of some sort, though the lack of motion as a fat slug as it left one of the larger vehicles made him tentatively cross out a strong use of anti-gravs._

Tony edged away. He wasn't racist or a xenophobe, but this was too much. He knew that not all aliens were evil. A fine example were the Guardians of the Galaxy. They tried their best to _help_ people. But...

Less than what felt like an hour ago, Tony had been attacked by an alien. It was to real and raw right now. His instincts were on edge, and he knew he wasn't in any condition to talk to aliens. Heck, he was probably not even ready to talk to  _humans_. 

Taking off in the direction opposite from what most people were walking to, Tony lifted his hand and started whispering to it hurriedly. They probably had technology similar to this, but Tony wasn't taking any chances. "Friday, I need you to scan as many of these...things as you can. I need everything, biological components, similarities to humans, what species they evoloved from..." Tony trailed off as he realized that even if she succeeded, she wouldn't be able to convey anything to him anyways.

"Boossssssssss," FRIDAY whined crossly. 

"Sorry, girl. I'm working on it."

"Boss.'

Tony spotted cameras everywhere. What was going on? Where was he, the future? What sort of genetic engineering mishaps created these things? Maybe they were humans that were genetically enhanced to increase speed or lifespans...

Without his notice, he had walked into a small, more rural area. What snapped him out of his thoughts was him bumping into a random kid. "Hey!" the kid exclaimed.

Tony blinked, looking around. "Sorry, wasn't looking where I was going. What's up?" The kid was younger than Peter but older than Harley was when they first met. He was a scrappy kid, with threadbare clothes and a thin face. Tony felt a pang of pity. Poverty still existed in the future, it seemed. He wondered if his philanthropy had done anything to dent it.

"Who you?" the kid asked with a scowl.

"Tony f***ing Stark," Tony said automatically before realizing what he said. "Er..."

The kid gave him an incredulous look. "Your parents must hate you. Your name is worse than  _mine_."

"I usually just say that my middle name is boring, like Edward or something," Tony said, improvising on the fly. "What's yours, kid?" He eyed the kid's red hair appreciatively. Red-heads tended to have strong personalities and the will and character to mold the world to their liking. Two clear examples were Pepper and Natasha. 

The kid lifted his chin and stared defiantly at Tony. "Sheev," he said strongly, "Sheeve Palpatine." 

Yep, just as he thought. This kid had fire in his veins. ~~Not literally, thankfully. Pepper was a terror, even with a distilled version of Extermis.~~ "Gotcha, Sleeves, which way to the local welcome center?"

Sheev glared, eyes flashing with obvious distaste. "Sheev, my name is Sheeve, you peasant."

"Oi, kid, I don't want any trouble. I just want to find my way. Business to take care of, politicians to meet, lives to save and improve..." Tony hedged, listing down a broad range of activities, trying to find what motivations the pre-teen was driven by. Everyone wanted something.  _What_ , was the question.

The kid perked up. "Politicians?" Sheeve asked.

Okay. Power. It was quaint, a disappointment, really, but Tony could work with that. "Yep. I'm a good ways up the ladder, but don't tell anyone. I'm undercover for a couple more years. If I succeed, I'll get a _big_ promotion." Tony was careful to over-pronounce the 'big,' drawing more attention to it. It worked. The kid was hooked, though he was careful not to show it. 

"I see. Do you require assistance to your destination?" Sheeve asked politely. "If you need any help, I would be happy to. My parents are... well, I have a lot of time to help you now, if you..." He shifted and looked shyly up at Tony. Eloquent. Perfect acting. Tony couldn't help but feel a kinship with Sheev. The he and the kid were two of a kind, really. Tony felt a bit jealous. At that age, he had been charming. Cute at most. This kid? This kid could've been a politician already. He was oozing charisma.

"Sure kid. Lead the way." Tony motioned in front of himself. "In fact, I think I might have another job for you..."

Sheev... he was all alone. Where were his parents? Did he need help? Sheev was so thin. He probably hadn't had a decent meal in who-knows-how-long. Tony should take him in. He wasn't a bad kid.

In fact, if the kid wasn't just snarling at him a momen...

FRIDAY let out a small chirp-beep thing that sounded awkwardly like 'boss.' Tony let out a huff of laughter as Sheev craned his head to look at the gauntlet. 

Hold on.

...Why was Tony planning an adoption of a kid who seemed ready to ream him apart just a few minutes ago?

Tony frowned. What was happening?

"Yes...?" Sheeve hedged, looking up at him expectantly. 

 _Don't alert the potientially-crazy mind-controlling kid!_ Tony scolded himself mentally. "Yeah, just a moment. I need to make up a job you can do."  _Is this my normal blabber-mouth, or is this the kid's too?_

"Take your time, sir."

Tony felt a fluttering at the back of his mind. There was compulsion, yes, an urge to take in the kid. Underneath it, though... there was hesitance, a fear and desperation. Tony sighed, stopping and turning to the kid. Sheev looked back at Tony in confusion. "Okay, let's put all our cards on the table now. I don't particularly like mind control. It's a distasteful thing that takes away free will."

Looking up at him in terror, Sheev started fearfully, "I didn't mean to! I was just-"

Tony cut him off with a raised hand. He'd only meant it as a stopping motion, but Sheev flinched back. Tony exhaled, giving a moment for Sheev to collect himself and meet his eyes. "I don't care whether or not you meant to do it. It's  _invasive._ Would you like someone to do that to you?" Waiting until Sheev shook his head, Tony continued, "Golden rule: treat others the way you want to be treated. Mind control is a big no-no."

"I'm sorry," Sheev said, tears in his eyes. Tony wondered if they were fake. "I didn't know what to do. I was just so _hungry_."

Sighing, Tony turned his eyes to the sky. "That makes the two of us."

"I'm sorry," Sheev repeated. "I'll make it up to you! Just don't turn me in! I'll make someone give y-"

He stopped, looking away as Tony knelt next to him. "You're not listening," Tony said. He started to reach out but stopped. "Don't _do_ that. You can't make others follow you like that. Do you know what slavery is? Forcing someone to do something makes you no better than slavers."

Sheev's eyes were widening in horror. "I-I didn't mean to! Please! I'm not like them. I don't want to hurt people!" He hugged himself and rocked slowly.

Climbing back onto his feet, Tony looked at the kid. Unlike Wanda, Sheev was an actual kid. He was young and he looked genuinely sorry for his actions. He _apologized_. To tell the truth, Tony didn't know if Sheev's contriteness was an act, but it was a start. He jerked his head. "Come on, kid. You and me against the world. Let's go."

Tony didn't know if Sheev actually wanted to turn over a new leaf, but it was worth it to see his face brighten like that as he ran to catch up. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Yep. The first person Tony was supposed to meet was the evil guy as a kid. It would have been fun to a) completely screw up the SW universe by making Palpy the ultimate kitten-saving, baby-kissing, good-guy leader of the Republic, or b) betray Tony in a surprising-but-heartbreaking way that y'all saw coming anyways.
> 
> Doing that would have forced me to use a lot of OCs, though, and I'm not good at making up personalities. I'm even worse at remembering them, so this idea was scrapped. That, and the fact that Tony turned out to be a jerk in this chapter, so I got rid of it and tried again. *shrug* Also, I didn't want to keep typing Palpatine over and over. Kept misspelling that name and even spell check agrees it's horrible.
> 
> If you look up 'House Palpatine' on Wookiepedia, Palps seems like an okay dude at first - angry that his father puts greed above 'concern for the future of Naboo.' Weirdly enough, Palps also has a string of misdemeanors to his name and he used to be a racer.


End file.
